Toto, I Don't Think We're In Kansas Anymore

Let me start out by saying I never thought I would be where I am in life right now. Often I wonder, how did I get here? I've never been one to make plans, no, it's not in my personality to be a planner. I always sort of "fall" into things. While this allows for a laid back, and "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of personality, it also lacks focus. I have always admired people who know exactly what they want to do. They set up goals to reach their final goal, and they do it, they make it! I have never really "known" who I was as an individual. As a child I dreamed of being famous...but that's not a career goal is it? I guess these days it is with reality t.v. and all, but that's a topic for another entry. Unlike most children, I never dreamed of being a firefighter, a teacher, a nurse, or doctor. I just wanted to be famous. Again, not a focused career track.

I graduated high school..of course, then I went to college. Why? because that's what you are "supposed to do." I loved college. For a social butterfly, college is a dream. I ended up studying music education. I loved music, I had a decent voice, but I was not an outstanding musician. Also, I discovered that there was only one required math class with this degree...so why not? I stuck with it and eventually graduated. After I graduated I landed a job in my degree field. At the time, I could not fathom how fortunate I was, because I hated it! I don't think I hated my job...I just hated adult responsibility. I worked for a year, then quit my job to go to graduate school. Why? because I had a new focus...I was going to be a famous Opera singer. I mean...that's not hard is it? Well I tried, and I was focused probably for the first time in my life. I had talent, and was doing well, meeting people, networking...etc. I graduated from grad school, and started my new life with focus. Sadly, I either wasn't driven enough, or perhaps not rich enough. You see, I had to work to begin to pay off my "journey" to this point. Not to mention, plane fair, opera training programs, lessons, coachings, head shots...etc. It's expensive to be famous and special doggonit!!!!

During this time in my life I was working as a substitute to support my opera habit, auditioning, and planning to move to New York City. I had moved back in with my parents in order to save money to make my big move. Please understand, I never thought I would be back in my home town. When I moved away from home, I honestly never thought I would permanently be back in the very town I grew up. I always imagined showing up to my 20th high school reunion in my big stretch limo. I imagined coming back a success, famous, someone special.

As young single people tend to do, I began dating. One of those people I dated was my husband...er a man, who would later become my husband. and guess where he was from? You guessed it, right here in my home town! When we married, I didn't give up on my opera career right away, my husband was very supportive actually. We tried for awhile, but nothing was happening. I never got a break, or a role that I could justify spending all of the money I was spending for. I guess I gave up gradually, over time. I simply let it fade into the background of my newly settled life. I landed a church staff job at my home church, and was content. I loved my job, and found it quite fulfilling. What surprised me the most is that I found the most joy in the mundane. The work that happens behind the scenes. I still enjoyed singing solos, etc...but I loved the mechanics of putting a service together! Again, you can see how I just tend to "fall" into things.

Well, then it happened. I woke up one morning feeling "strange." My abdomen was tight, and I had chronic mild nausea. UH OH! Yep, you guessed it...preggers! At first I was filled with emotions that I never knew existed. Fear, anxiety, then it hit me...sadness. Yes I will admit it...sadness. I knew at that very moment, that an opera career was just not in the cards for me. Not that I was any closer to my goal before I got pregnant, but I guess it was a mindset thing...symbolic if you will. I was never going to be the person I was before that pregnancy test came back positive...this was a huge change, NO going back. I guess I still entertained some thoughts of singing for a living still. This was the most concrete "sign" that days of living for myself were officially over.

After a wonderful and easy pregnancy, our first precious treasure was born. I knew when I looked into her face for the first time that this is where I was supposed to be! Who would have guessed that I would have found such fulfillment in being a mommy! For the first time in my life, I had found focus. I knew that I had found clear purpose. When our daughter turned one, my husband and I began to discuss the possibility of me resigning my church job, and becoming a stay at home mom. What?!?!?! I didn't want to quit and not work! I have always worked, and in general enjoyed working! I'm a social butterfly, so I love the social aspects of working. Plus my fear was (and is) if I decide to return to work, how do I explain this huge hole in my work history? After many months of talking, praying, praying, and talking, I tendered my resignation. No more deadlines, no more lunches out with my husband, or co-workers. I was officially where I never thought I would be. A stay at home mom...or "sahm" as we say in the "industry."

As I said previously, I did not come to this decision lightly at all. Please understand, I was content being single, then I was content just being married. For me, before my first baby was born, it was like I was walking through my life, and it was good, but it was black and white. I never knew there was anything wrong with black and white, because black and white was fine. Then having a child, I was thrust into a technicolor world. Just like Dorothy in the "Wizard of Oz." Things became clearer. And what was clear to me at the time, was staying at home and being a mom was the best thing...not for me, but for our little girl. This is the sacrifice I am making right now, for my little ones, and I know it's right. A month after I resigned my position I became pregnant with our second precious treasure. She was born about three weeks before our first daughter's second birthday.

Sometimes I wonder about another path I could have taken, and where I would be right now. I imagine I would be in my loft on the upper east side of NYC. It would be completely decorated with Ikea furniture and accessories. I would be having posh dinner parties with all of my cast mates of the current opera I was starring in. Picnics in central park, coffee at my local coffee shop, friendly banter with my doorman. It sounds dreamy doesn't it? Sadly that path does not include my two most precious treasures, so those dreams and thoughts are fleeting flights of fancy. I may not always know what day it is, I may not be a household name, I may not be anything special. I am just an average mommy, and no one will ever remember me except for my children and grandchildren. I suppose I am happier being a mommy in a technicolor world, rather than someone special in a black and white world.